Coming To Terms (Part II)

Toromto Harbourfront

This is a two part blog post, the first part of which can be found here.

Learning & Growing

I am continuously learning things that I never had the opportunity to learn under the umbrella of my family. Most of these are valuable life lessons that I did not have the need before. From simple things like planning for meal prep to budgeting for monthly expenses- you will be surprised to hear that I have never needed to do all these before. What can I say, living with the family comes with lots of perks! While “adulting” is hard and you will hear me groan and grumble about it every now and then, in hindsight, I am happy to be discovering this side of me. The idea that I am learning to be completely independent is a significant milestone in my life.

Our marriage has taken some hits too. While I believe we will grow stronger and closer when we emerge on the other side, this initial phase is being difficult on both of us. I have come to realize that it is humanly impossible to learn everything about a person. People behave differently in different situations and unless you see them first hand dealing with a situation, you will never know how they will react to it. In many ways, my hubster and I are discovering new things about each other, not all of which are pleasant. You would think after six years of marriage and roughly two years of dating, there should be little left to know, right ?! I thought the same too, but boy was I wrong! Its a process really, this discovering, learning and adjusting accordingly. It will take time to fall back into a harmonious rhythm again but sometimes its just difficult to see the bigger picture when your apartment is a complete mess and your sink is full of unwashed dishes!

On a personal level, I am also learning and unlearning a lot about myself. My triggers and my limitations. That almost calls for a separate blog post! I have had more anxiety attacks in these past months than I had in years combined. Occasionally I also feel that sense of hopelessness and get caught up in the vicious cycle of longing, regrets and self-doubts. Then there they are also days when I am relieved to be away from the social pressure and the family expectations I had all my life growing up in Bangladesh.


The Social Network

We became friends with some amazing people whom I would love to have in my life long term. You have heard about how difficult it is to make friends as adults, right? I believed that too until I realized that you can become friends with anyone at any point in your life provided that you meet like-minded people. It has always been as simple as that. We all come from South Asian background, but represent different cultures, values, beliefs and even food habits between all of us. The strict halals and vegetarians, the picky eaters, sides switchers and keto enthusiasts. From watching the final season of GOT, to having not-so-surprise birthday parties, in these few months, we have formed a close-knit circle. We have the quiet ones, the lazy and sarcastic ones, the planners, the organizers, and the dreamers as well- all sharing common ground, literally and figuratively. We are there holding hands through a bad break-up; we are there counseling through marital problems. We share midnight desserts and gossip; we also share existential crises through elaborate whatsapp chats or in the cold outside. We have cried in front of each other and not felt vulnerable. We have also laughed uncontrollably without worry about judgment. That’s the beauty of friends-like-family we have formed- we accept and care for each other for who we are and inspire and push each other for who we can be. They made being away from home bearable.

Dhaka will always be my first love no matter where we are. My family is still there and we miss them fiercely every single day. I always get emotionally governed questions from Dhaka about whether we will stay here, return to Bangladesh or even move elsewhere (?!). The truth is I don’t know. I don’t even know what our lives will look like in the next few years. I have only begun to navigate my way here and there are “miles to go before I sleep” (Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening, Robert Frost).

For now, I, we are just coming to terms.

Thank you for reading ❀

With Love,
Farhin *

Dedicated To SFB : Paruksheen, Nimrat, Jhankrut, Gautam, Urmila & Lucky

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